How to Not Take it Personally When You’re Not Invited to Virat-Anushka’s Wedding

As a person who spends most of her awake time photoshopping her face onto Shahrukh Khan’s wife’s face, I feel like I’m the authority to counsel people who feel personally affronted that they didn’t get an embossed (I’m sure) invite to the wedding of the year, nay, a century. In fact, scientists have claimed that there has been no wedding in Earth’s history as wonderful as the Virushka wedding.

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While the primary emotional response recorded was of delight and unabashed envy, (yes, there are legit agencies working on recording your reactions to the released photos and information. Your ‘awws’ are funding a little kid’s education someplace), there was also a spike in ‘offense’ levels mainly because we weren’t invited to showcase our wedding moves in Tuscany. I mean, what’s up with that, Virat-Anushka?

If you, like me, were hugely affected by the, let’s say, lost invite, then here are a few ways you can cope. Memorize the points below and repeat them to yourself anytime self-loathing strikes. You’re welcome.

1) They don’t know you exist

Every time you get up and start scrolling down your Insta feed (because why not?) and come across yet another post exclaiming how beautiful the wedding looks, look into the nearest mirror and repeat after me: “Virat Kohli and Anushka Sharma don’t know you. They don’t know you exist. It wouldn’t matter to them if you’re offended or not.”

2) Traveling for a wedding sucks.

Imagine all the forms you’d have to fill and all the lines you’d have to stand in to get your visa formality done. Then imagine all the packing you’d have to do. It would have been an absolute pain to manage your extravagant wedding ceremony dresses and jewellery into the paltry baggage weight allowance airlines give these days.

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3) Being an Instagram celebrity is more trouble than it’s worth

Speaking as a person who barely has any social media following, I know how troublesome it can be to be a full-time Instagram influencer. Once people find out that you were invited to the Best Wedding Earth has Seen (as scientists have been calling it), then you’d have become a legit Instagram star. Your life would have changed drastically and all your hair would have fallen off.

4) You’ve basically saved all weddings in your future

Turn to your sister/best friend/ closest person who is going to be married next and tell them “You’re welcome”. If you’d been invited to the Virushka wedding, then you’d have to compare all the weddings you go to after the Best Wedding Earth has Seen to it. No other wedding can cope with that kind of pressure. I mean, they had literal doves crying tears of joy and a talking-singing unicorn who would only sing Band Baja Baarat songs. I wouldn’t know if this is true or not because I wasn’t invited.

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5) It isn’t socially acceptable to steal the bride’s thunder

Let’s face it. Nobody would be looking at radiant, Sabyasachi-clad Anushka Sharma when you’re present there in your imitation, last-season Tarun Tahiliani lehenga that your neighbour’s cat sitter said you looked like Kareena Kapoor in. They don’t know it (yet), but Anushka Sharma and Virat Kohli did themselves a favour by ‘forgetting’ to invite you. They deserve to be happy.

On an unrelated note, I am accepting any leads to a good therapist as of yesterday.

That’s all.

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