How to Not Take it Personally When You’re Not Invited to Virat-Anushka’s Wedding

As a person who spends most of her awake time photoshopping her face onto Shahrukh Khan’s wife’s face, I feel like I’m the authority to counsel people who feel personally affronted that they didn’t get an embossed (I’m sure) invite to the wedding of the year, nay, a century. In fact, scientists have claimed that there has been no wedding in Earth’s history as wonderful as the Virushka wedding.

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While the primary emotional response recorded was of delight and unabashed envy, (yes, there are legit agencies working on recording your reactions to the released photos and information. Your ‘awws’ are funding a little kid’s education someplace), there was also a spike in ‘offense’ levels mainly because we weren’t invited to showcase our wedding moves in Tuscany. I mean, what’s up with that, Virat-Anushka?

If you, like me, were hugely affected by the, let’s say, lost invite, then here are a few ways you can cope. Memorize the points below and repeat them to yourself anytime self-loathing strikes. You’re welcome.

1) They don’t know you exist

Every time you get up and start scrolling down your Insta feed (because why not?) and come across yet another post exclaiming how beautiful the wedding looks, look into the nearest mirror and repeat after me: “Virat Kohli and Anushka Sharma don’t know you. They don’t know you exist. It wouldn’t matter to them if you’re offended or not.”

2) Traveling for a wedding sucks.

Imagine all the forms you’d have to fill and all the lines you’d have to stand in to get your visa formality done. Then imagine all the packing you’d have to do. It would have been an absolute pain to manage your extravagant wedding ceremony dresses and jewellery into the paltry baggage weight allowance airlines give these days.

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3) Being an Instagram celebrity is more trouble than it’s worth

Speaking as a person who barely has any social media following, I know how troublesome it can be to be a full-time Instagram influencer. Once people find out that you were invited to the Best Wedding Earth has Seen (as scientists have been calling it), then you’d have become a legit Instagram star. Your life would have changed drastically and all your hair would have fallen off.

4) You’ve basically saved all weddings in your future

Turn to your sister/best friend/ closest person who is going to be married next and tell them “You’re welcome”. If you’d been invited to the Virushka wedding, then you’d have to compare all the weddings you go to after the Best Wedding Earth has Seen to it. No other wedding can cope with that kind of pressure. I mean, they had literal doves crying tears of joy and a talking-singing unicorn who would only sing Band Baja Baarat songs. I wouldn’t know if this is true or not because I wasn’t invited.

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5) It isn’t socially acceptable to steal the bride’s thunder

Let’s face it. Nobody would be looking at radiant, Sabyasachi-clad Anushka Sharma when you’re present there in your imitation, last-season Tarun Tahiliani lehenga that your neighbour’s cat sitter said you looked like Kareena Kapoor in. They don’t know it (yet), but Anushka Sharma and Virat Kohli did themselves a favour by ‘forgetting’ to invite you. They deserve to be happy.

On an unrelated note, I am accepting any leads to a good therapist as of yesterday.

That’s all.

The Worrying Thing Nobody Noticed About Ae Dil Hai Mushkil

I have many issues with Karan Johar’s Ae Dil Hai Mushkil. Ranbir Kapoor plays yet another man-child, Anushka Sharma walks out of her marriage with Fawad Khan (yes, she was unhappy and Fawad Khan might have cheated on her but girl please. Fawad. Khan), and Shah Rukh Khan made a special appearance and was not present throughout the movie playing all the characters.

And yes, I also realize that I am a little late to the ADHM bashing party but here I am.

I was deep down the YouTube rabbit hole one fine day when I stumbled upon the video of ‘Cutie Pie’, an insanely catchy song from ADHM that featured Fawad Khan dancing. Because I am a human woman with a working set of eyes, I played the video on repeat to ogle at the marvel dancing Fawad Khan is.

In my multiple viewings, I stumbled upon a potentially scary realization. There were no old people at Anushka (Alizeh) and Fawad Khan’s (Ali) wedding.

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Now Karan Johar, let me tell you something about Muslim weddings, or actually any Indian weddings, for that matter. They’re TEEMING with old people.

On an average, there are about 7 old people for every young person at a Muslim wedding. Weddings are a rich source of young people of marriageable age and are often the hunting grounds for old people.

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Yes, I understand that there’s such a thing as ‘creative license’ but I feel like this is taking it a bit too far.

Let’s play a fun game. Tell me how many old people can you spot in the following song….

I also get that Karan Johar might have thought that old people might cramp his style. But it’s impossible for me to believe that there’s a wedding going on when I don’t see an old woman interrogating a young girl about her age, educational qualifications and family history of heart diseases.

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Incidentally, this is also the moment the ovaries of all the women present in the theatre exploded collectively. Fun fact, if you will.

But coming back to the issue at hand, throw however much of Fawad Khan you want at me, I just can’t accept that in good faith.

I can sit through your highly stylized versions of weddings and pre-wedding ceremonies, but WHERE ARE THE OLD FOLKS AT?

According to the story, none of the main characters were close to their families. This might explain the absence of anyone over the age of 40 at the wedding, but it still doesn’t excuse it.

That’s all.

Why I Decided to Break Up with My Best Friend Gerry…

Gerry and I have not known each other for long. And, to be honest, most of the time we didn’t even like each other that much. But the longevity, or lack of it, and our love-hate dynamic never really changed the fact that Gerry was the most meaningful relationship in my life.

It all began as all good things do, by accident. It happened while I was getting a pedicure, one that i wouldn’t forget for a long time and not just for the stellar job they did to remove the layers of dead skin on my foot.

Somewhere between getting French tips on my toe nails and and ignoring the judgemental look on the technician’s face on seeing my unshaved legs (It was just after Winter and laziness is a medically recognised ailment), Gerry entered my life.

While I’ve never been a loner, I’ve never really set much store by human relationships. But Gerry seemed oblivious to my resistance. I almost didn’t notice how important he became to me until I began noticing little changes in myself. But maybe it was my fundamental laziness but I eventually got used to the idea of Gerry’s presence in my life.

My family never really warmed to the idea of my relationship with Gerry. They never really said anything but I could sense their disapproval every time they saw me with him. There was a part of me that knew he wasn’t good for me. There were times I tried to hide him from my other friends. I would even go as far as to pretend that he didn’t even exist.

It would be unfair to lay the blame of the toxicity of our relationship solely on Gerry. He never pretended to be anyone else or made false promises. I was aware of his true nature from the beginning but chose to ignore it. Maybe it was my lack of experience with relationships or it was just my fear of confrontations that fed my denial, but our unhealthy relationship continued.

But a few weeks back I finally realised that it’s time. I’ve left it for too long and it’s time to break up with Gerry.

So Gerry, don’t get too comfortable under my big toe nail. You’re going to be dead pretty soon, you disgusting foot fungus. No for real. Gerry is, in fact, my foot fungus.

And yes, I do have way too much free time on my hands.

 

 

 

 

8 Important Life Lessons I Learnt from Raabta

I like to believe that there are no wrong decisions in life. Every choice you make leads you to something that was destined for you. Regret should have no place in your life.

This was before I decided to go watch Raabta….

Raabta is not a bad movie. It’s actually a movie that raises a lot of important questions. Especially the most important one: Why?

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To be fair, I did go to the movie with my heart full of dread and my hair looking like Severus Snape’s worst hair day. The hair part is not relevant here but I feel like the world needed a mental picture of my gorgeousness. Plus, it also explains my bitterness at seeing Kriti Sanon’s perfect tresses even when she is running around, climbing trees in a jungle (more on that later).

In case you haven’t seen the movie, or the trailer, here’s a quick lowdown of what happens. I’ll try to keep it as spoiler free as possible. But I’m a human and humans err.

Basically, Kriti Sanon and Sushant Singh Rajput meet in Budapest and instantly fall in love. They bond over the fact that they’re awful human beings who have little regard for anyone else’s feelings but their own and an inexplicable connection that they feel for each other. Kriti lives in an apartment that is a Pinterest wet dream and makes chocolates for a living. She also gets frequent nightmares featuring someone drowning, leading her to have a strong fear of water.

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Sushant is a banker and he declares that about 25 times in the movie (that is a gross exaggeration, it was actually 19). Sushant also doesn’t think Kriti’s career choice is important and he tells her so in many words. He also slut shames Kriti on more than two occasions and makes homophobic joke sat the expense of his best friend. As you can see, Sushant’s character is an absolute treat.

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As horror movies have taught us over the years, pretty people can’t be trusted to make good decisions. They know they’ve got a good thing going on between the two of them but decide to test it by going out with other people. This will help them determine if the crazy connection, Raabta if you will, that they feel for each other is one off or not.

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To determine this, they go to a party. Because their chances of meeting their possible soulmate is super high in a random street party. At this point my eyes were rolling so hard that I was worried my eye muscles would spasm and the kind old lady had started performing an exorcism on me.

Let me just stop here and reiterate that there’s just something about Sushant’s character in the movie that just makes you want to punch him.

At the party, Kriti meets Jim Sarbh. She starts flirting with him and then, when he starts flirting back, tells him that she’s with someone else. Eye rolling continued, so did fervent chanting from the lady on seat Q7.

Kriti fees the same connection with Jim Sarbh as well and is deeply disturbed. So when Sushant has to go to Vienna for a banker’s conference (he makes it clear that it’s a banker’s conference 35 times. Sorry, I am exaggerating again. It was 27 times), Kriti goes on a date with Jim.

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Now I felt almost hopeful for the movie. I finally found something relatable in Kriti’s character (she was going with the rich guy, instead of the relatively poor one) and up till now, Jim’s character was the only character I was rooting for.

But my hopes were shattered mercilessly, much like the vial carrying holy water that the lady next to me was carrying.

Jim drugs her and kidnaps her. He takes her to this insanely beautiful castle on some island because he is obsessed with her. What worried me the most right now was that I didn’t think that I would be upset if I was in a similar situation.

But Kriti is not me and turns out she has a problem with this arrangement. She tries to run away and falls into the ocean while escaping. Being underwater triggers memories from her past life.

Oh lord, the past life.

I’m not going to go into details about what happens because, honestly, I was heavily distracted by the existential crisis that I was facing on realizing that I found insane Jim Sarbh strangely attractive. What does that say about me?

Let’s not go there.

So turns out that Kriti was a princess in some village and Jim was a warrior of some sort. they loved each other, or at least he loved her and she thought of him as a friend. What I could make of Sushant’s character was that he was a formidable warrior, with a permanent bad hair-do, and was sent to invade Kriti and Jim’s village.

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A lot of useless stuff happens and Kriti and Sushant fall for each other while fighting with each other. They decide to get married but Jim is having none of it and comes to rain on their parade.

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Predictably, there’s a tragic end for the star crossed lovers, and the villain himself, but they all find themselves reincarnated in 2017 so things are not that bad.

Now history is repeating itself and Kriti has a choice whether to let Sushant die like he did in the past, because of their relationship, or take a risk by choosing love and possibly repeating what happened in the past.

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There’s a lot of other stuff happening as well, but if I go into that then I will start crying.

TL;DR: Kriti Sanon and Sushant Singh Rajput’s characters are jackasses and Jim Sarbh is bae.

In retrospect, watching Raabta wasn’t a complete waste of time. Here are a few life lessons I learnt from this harrowing experience:

1) You have more chances of finding eternal love if you have a quirky job and a quirkier apartment. It shows that you are independent, but not scary independent. Guys like that.

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2) Drugging and kidnapping someone to show them that you love them is a seriously underrated love hack.

3) If you’re in doubt whether you should be with the love of your life or not, then it’s better to leave said love and go look for greener (richer) pastures. It’s the basis of all healthy relationships and bad romantic comedies.

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4) If you’re good looking and have a decent set of abs, then you can get away with sexist, homophobic and body shaming jokes.

5) If you happen to bump into your reincarnated love in your present life, then you can use that to get out of anything. Long-term relationships, professional duties, paying taxes, etc.

6) If you invite Deepika Padukone to dance at your engagement party then she will dance to a totally party-inappropriate song and creepily touch you while gliding between the guests. Also, she will totally steal the thunder from you, so don’t do it.

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7) Like your previous unexplained crushes, you might question everything when you don’t understand why you’re attracted to Jim Sarbh. Relax. God has invented therapy for a reason.

8) If you have a choice between spending Saturday in bed and going out in the rain to watch Raabta, always choose your bed. Always. Choose. Your. Bed.

 

 

 

 

Baahubali: The Conclusion is Taking Over My Life, and I Have No Complaints

Hello, remaining friends who have not freaked out after reading the title. Your heart is made of strong stuff.

Yes, this post will be about my insane lack of self control when it comes to Baahubali (both parts). A fact that was made apparent to me as I found myself booking a ticket for the third consecutive time for the movie. Yes, I have seen the movie three times already and I know this is just the tip of the jalparbat size ice berg.

I am currently in the throes of a wild Baahubali-induced mania where my brain has trouble processing anything that is not related to the movie. This is not the first time this has happened so I’m prepared (as prepared as you can be) and one of my coping mechanism is to put it out there in the universe so that I can get some hold on things. Since I’m not the best conversationalist, especially now when most of what is coming out of my mouth is rapid dissection of each and every scene from the movie, I decided to put it in writing. It’s an attempt to make sense of what is currently going on in my head because I have no idea and this might help me get a grip on my currently all-over-the-place emotions. Also, I must warn you, in case you’re hoping to read a well though-out, unbiased piece on the movie then this is not one of those.

So Baahubali slowly taking over my life. Yes.

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The first thing the universe did wrong (or very right) was to make it a long weekend. There was absolutely no reason for me to not go and watch Baahubali over and over again. I mean there was the possibility that I won’t make rent next month or be able to afford basic amenities like food but I would have seen the amazing fight sequence where Baahubali and Devsena fought off the Pintaris together once more and frankly that’s better than food, in my honest opinion.

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You see what I meant by it taking over my life?

Baahubali: The Conclusion picks up from where it left off with Baahubali: The Beginning. We waited a long time to find out why Katappa killed Baahubali and the movie answera that but it’s about so much more than that. After watching the second part I realized it was never about why he killed him. It was always about what led to it. And the movie establishes that beautifully. It also gives us a love story we can get behind (sorry Shivudu+Avanthika shippers, it’ll always be Amarendra+Devsena 5ever).

Aside from the fact that it’s an amazing movie and that it’s a milestone for Indian cinema, Baahubali has the distinction of being one of the few films that makes you feel as if the makers are actually interested in you having a good time while watching the movie, rather than throw in cheap tricks to make money. It’s not that the drive behind making Baahubali was completely altruistic, but there’s an underlying sense of integrity and respect for the mammoth fandom that the franchise has garnered between the two movies. There’s grandeur that’s seldom seen onscreen and the effects make you want to clap your hands like a kid, but it would have been so easy to forgo the most important part, as most filmmakers have been guilty of doing when dealing with big budgets and bigger audience expectations- the story.

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The story might be the most predictable variation of good vs evil that we’ve been hearing and seeing since we’ve gained consciousness, but never during the movie do you feel that you know what’s going to happen. Part of the credit for that goes to the well-fleshed out characters in the movie. While Amarendra and Mahendra Baahubali remain the focal point in the movie, the supporting characters have so many layers that it’s impossible not to get connected to them.

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Then there’s the right kind of masala that makes you feel giddy and want to clap your hands. It’s not just inserted to get whistles and hoots. The genuine joy that you feel when Bahubali Sr. makes one of his rousing speeches is what I mean by the right kind of masala. The director knows you’re so invested in the movie that you will cheer when Bahubali does something Bahubali-esque but it doesn’t feel forced or specially inserted for that purpose. Am I explaining this right?

Moving on, let’s talk about the fight sequences. Yes, one might argue that it’s highly unlikely that a human being (even one with bahu like Baahubali) can casually pick up a whole tree and throw it at his oncoming opponents. But the thing about Baahubali is that the scale and spectacle easily warrants the suspension of disbelief when it comes to such sequences. Once you’ve done that, then you can fully enjoy the movie as it was meant to be enjoyed. The highly stylised fight sequences are a delight to watch. Another shout out to the ballet-esque fight scene with Devsena and Baahubali Sr.

I felt that I had become so jaded when it comes to movies that nothing can elicit cheers from me, but cheer I did whenever Baahubali Sr. strode into the courtroom looking mad as hell. Or when Bahubali Jr. whipped the villagers and rebel soldiers into a revenge-thirsty army within seconds. I was crying, I was laughing and I was freaking out the woman seated next to me. Sorry, woman in seat D-13. You deserved better.

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Another example of respecting the fandom is the attention to detail. The movie was offering us grand fight sequences and larger than life characters, so did we really need intricate details pointing out the differences between the architecture and armoury of Kunthala and Mahismati? We did. We wouldn’t have loved the movie any less had they not been included, but the fact that they were just makes it so much better.

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It’s 2017 and it has almost become a gimmick (sadly) to include ‘strong’ female characters in the narrative to get the feminist seal of approval. In case of Baahubali, the strongest characters just happen to be female. Sivagami and Devsena’s strengths come from the fact that they drive the story without being the caricature of a strong, empowered women like we’ve been seeing since a couple of times. Yes, I’m talking about the women of Begum Jaan. (More on that in the upcoming post)

I can ramble on and on about the details that make it more awesome (that’s a whole other post: coming soon). By the way, most of these details might be a product of my active imagination and the endless discussions I’ve had with my sisters who are also in similar states of meltdown as we speak. But since Rajamouli can do no wrong, I’m going to choose to believe that he had thought of everything.

Before I get back to watching Baahubali The Beginning for the 348792nd time, let me just say that in case you haven’t seen it yet then you better do it soon. You might be missing history being created.

That’s all.

8 Things I Realized While Watching ‘Koi…Mil Gaya’ After 14 Years

The first time I watched Koi…Mil Gaya was around my 10th birthday. I remember it was not one I was looking forward to because my mum was visiting her sister for some reason that I’ve long forgotten (but not forgiven…)

All my friends had already seen the movie and I was the only one left when finally my dad took me and my sisters to watch it. Maybe it’s this association that made me fall in love with the movie. I became obsessed with it. It was a good thing that this was during the dark ages when fan fiction was not a thing, otherwise the world would be a detailed Jaadoo backstory richer.

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I memorized all the songs and dialogues (as you do) and even had deep debates internally as to what I would do in a situation like this. Would I report that I have an alien, because that would be a HUGE discovery for the advancement of mankind? Or would I adopt it as a pet and enslave it to get better looking and be generally successful? As you can see, ten-year-old me was very popular.

Just a couple of days ago, I was cruising around Amazon Prime and came across Koi…Mil Gaya and it was like the forces of the universe compelled me to take out three hours from my otherwise busy schedule of sleeping and eating and watch the movie again after 14 years.

And so I did it.

Was I disappointed? Were my childhood delusions broken? Will I report Jaadoo to the authorities for the betterment of mankind or keep it as a personal makeover giver? I still don’t know the answer to the last one, and to be perfectly honest, it kind of worries me.

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But speaking of being disappointed: NO. The movie is gold. It has been ‘inspired’ from movies like ‘ET’ and the opening credits are exactly in the style of the Star Wars movies and I agree that there were some glaring issues with the movie, not including the muddled sci-fi, but it’s a pretty entertaining movie.

But I did realize some things that ten-year-old me was too enamoured to notice, so here goes:

1) Nisha needs help.

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I get why Rohit was doing all this (hiding the alien and singing songs about enslaving it). His mental age was around 12 and his social circle alternated between other 12-year-olds and some adults with questionable fashion and hairstyle choices who were never nice to him. But Nisha? She was a fully grown adult woman who should have questioned the wisdom of running after an unidentified creature, who could have been a murderous alien, in the forest and then hide him. For all she knew Jaadoo could have been a cannibalistic monster. You can’t blame Rohit for this, he saw the adorable blue bastard and saw a huggable pet. But Nisha?

2) The songs don’t make sense. At all.

Take the loveable Singin’ In The Rain inspired ‘Idhar Chala Main Udhar Chala’ for instance. Now this is when Rohit had been fed bull by his friends about Nisha being his girlfriend because she was being nice to him (typical), so I get why Rohit was singing about slowly falling in love (because that’s totally what that song is about. Even my ten-year-old brain could comprehend that). Why was Nisha singing about being attracted to Rohit when she thought that he was a 12-year-old and she was being nice to him because she felt bad for him? Nisha has raised so many questions over the years.

I would let the song ‘Koi Mil Gaya’ go, because that was supposedly in Rohit’s imagination and since he was convinced by his jackass friends that Nisha also reciprocated his feelings, he was singing about finding love in an unexpected place. Am I being too easy on Rohit? Maybe. That kid was endearing.

3) For a movie about an alien, it didn’t talk about the alien that much.

Aside from a few casually thrown around references to Jaadoo’s life back at home planet, Rohit and co. didn’t really care much about him other than what they could get out of him.

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The movie needed less Hrithik Roshan slowly transforming into Hulk and more Jaadoo and his thoughts and intentions. Also I came across this fact on IMDB and things make a little more sense.

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4) If I went on an alien planet and the planet’s citizens enslaved me, get me to give them makeovers and rig basketball games AND give me a name like Jaadoo, I would kill myself.

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Jaadoo was probably one of the most accomplished alien back home. He had to be. He was chosen for a mission to visit a completely new planet and gather data. He either had to be a brilliant scientist or a badass astronaut/army man (if James Cameron movies are anything to go by). But here he was. Dressed in a sack and made to give a bunch of ungrateful kids the ability to fly and play basketball.  How would Jaadoo go back and face his peers?

5) How did Nisha and Rohit get married by the end or soon after the end of the movie?

According to Krrish (Koi…Mil Gaya’s sequel), Rohit had gotten immensely intelligent but physically had reversed back to the Rohit of the pre-Jaadoo era (sans muscles and six-pack), no issue with that. But does that mean that he was still mentally a 12-year-old? And if so, how did he get mentally ready to get married, get a job, have a kid and settle down?

6) Nisha.

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I know I’ve been hating on Nisha a lot throughout this post but her character had been set up to fail. Case in point, her sudden attraction to Rohit once the glasses came off and the muscles came on. She had to know that those were alien-voodoo induced muscles. It didn’t bother her, as long as she had access to those banging guns at all times.

Another thing that bothers me is her complete lack of concern about being objectified by two guys who she didn’t even like (she had started to feel unexplainable feelings for Rohit’s new muscles, but she didn’t have any for Raj). She was made the trophy for whoever won a disgustingly unbalanced basketball game and she was fine with it.

7) Raj, the bully, was a jerk.

No surprises here, just reaffirmation of the fact. He had no problem challenging a guy he knew was mentally challenged and physically less capable (he didn’t know about Jaadoo’s enslavement and subsequent body type makeover) Rohit to a competitive match of basketball game.

8) ‘It’s Magic’ is magical.

I forgot how much I loved the song, but was reminded once again that Hrithik Roshan’s got the vibe that we need.

9 Life Lessons I Learnt from ‘Wajah Tum Ho’

I don’t think there are any bad movies. I feel like every movie has its own audience. At least that’s what I kept telling myself as I sat through Sana Khan and Gurmeet Chowdhary ‘have sex’ (more on that later) in Wajah Tum Ho.

Nobody forced me to go see the movie. And I have no regrets. I mean I would willingly put acid in my eyes to burn the image of the whole movie out of my consciousness, but I happen to like seeing things and so I would have to live with my demons.

In case you’ve seen the trailer of the movie, then you may have a tiny bit of an idea of what I went through.

In case you haven’t, then here you go:

Before we embark on the life lessons (and there are many, trust me), here’s what happens in the movie. There are multiple spoilers ahead because I am pretty sure I love you and I don’t want you to go through what I went through. At least not visually. So here it is:

The movie starts off with the sounds of two people having sex in a seedy-ish motel. At this I knew I was in for a traumatising ride because motel sex has never led to non-traumatising times (I am not speaking from experience, mom).

Turns out a corrupt police officer (and it is established he is corrupt very firmly. This movie does not get points for subtlety) is forcing a girl to have sex with him because he supposedly caught her and her boyfriend having sexy time in a parking lot.

I swear I will not give in to my tendency to ramble on and will try to wrap this up quick. As you saw in the trailer, there is a master mind evil hacker, who is sort of a vigilante. He/she abducts the corrupt cop when he was driving down a creepy road while blackmailing someone. The mastermind hacker (let’s call him/her MH, yeah?) then broadcasts the cop’s execution live on television via a news channel owned by ‘Global Time Network’.

Now the cop on the case is Sharman Joshi, who likes to spell out everything is doing and thinking slowly and dramatically to his devoted sidekick, Inspector Gaitonde.

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Their immediate suspect is GTN’s CEO, Rahul Oberoi (question: are you even rich if your name is not Oberoi/Singhania/Malhotra?) played hammily by Rajneesh Duggal. Now I added hammily here, but just know that everyone in this movie was given the same memo: ham as if your life depends on it. And they delivered.

After some painfully long interrogation scenes, where Sharman Joshi lets loose some unintentionally hilarious dialogues and threats to Rajneesh Duggal, who I was very disturbed to find out that I kind of find attractive. No judgements, please.

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Rajneesh Duggal’s legal head is Sana Khan AKA Sia, who declares this after every ten seconds. I am not kidding. Sia is a strong, empowered woman and when she is not busy asserting that by screaming her credentials at anyone who’d listen, she is busy rejecting Rajneesh Duggal’s hilarious advances.

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No, seriously.One second he is ranting about how he is going to destroy Sharman Joshi for having the audacity of summoning him to the police station and the very next second he is creepily feeling up Sia and asking her to sleep with him.

Now just when you thought that you couldn’t take anymore, we’re introduced to another jackass: Gurmeet Chaudhary AKA Ranveer. If all the Ranveers of the world don’t collectively sue the makers of this movie for ruining the name Ranveer forever then what are you even doing?

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He is Sia’s boyfriend and he creepily surprises her by sneaking in flowers and some kind of lights into her house when she was busy rejecting Rajneesh the sleaze. They talk to each other in badly written poetic verses and then proceed to have sex to a song titled ‘Wajah Tum Ho’. The sex was a series of heaving bosoms, both Sia and Ranveer’s and a lot of face eating that they were trying to pass off as kissing.

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No sex scene in the movie is set without a song that has been abruptly inserted into the narrative. It’s like they could predict the audiences weaning interest in watching Sharman Joshi and Gaitonde’s sexual back and forth (their non existent sexual chemistry was more evident than any of the couples having sex).

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Now Ranveer is also a lawyer, who is on the case against Rajneesh Duggal. We find this out when Sia arranges a meeting between the police department and GTN’s team, including their tech expert, to explain that their satellite was actually hacked by someone and Rajneesh was actually innocent. We are then subjected to almost 20-minutes of explanation on how television broadcasting works and how a person with high speed internet and a phone can easily hack anything.

I am going to stop right here because the movie then goes on to spiral into a series of stupid twists and keeps introducing new people and I don’t want to relive that. I’ll skip forward.

The MH kills another person on live TV, a man called Karan (who was also having bad sex with a girl who needs to make better life choices while he got abducted). Karan was also Rajneesh’s business partner once upon a time. Then we find out that Rajneesh Duggal and Karan had raped an employ of GTN and killed off the only witness to the case. The cop who was murdered in the beginning helped in burying the case.

Incidentally, this was also Ranveer’s first case as a lawyer, that he lost as Rajneesh and Karan went scot free. Then we find out that the girl who was raped was actually the one behind the murders and a lot of twists and turns later we find out that the whole mastermind behind the plan was Sia who was the daughter of the witness who was murdered.

She then finds out from Rajneesh, just as she is about to kill him, that her boyfriend Ranveer was the brains behind their (the bad guys) whole game. She kills him and then calls Ranveer over and asks him to confess. Ranveer then reveals how he sabotaged the rape case to et a penthouse apartment from Rajneesh Duggal.

Then the most ridiculous fight in the history of movie fights happen and then Sharman Joshi shows up and then he joins the fight. In the end, Sia kills Ranveer and Sharman Joshi doesn’t turn her in for all the live murders. He decides he is going to let her go free as she was just being a good daughter. He also quits from the force and plans to start a security firm.

At this point I should probably also mention that Sharman Joshi also has a daughter (who probably made his dad heart pardon Sia of all her vengeance fuelled crimes). The daughter is the single most annoying kid I’ve ever come across and I’ve come across a fair share of them.

There is also an item number (unnecessary, of course) with Zarine Khan. She tries to be sexy throughout the song but she ends up looking super uncomfortable and that’s about as sexy as watching me try to fish out Pringle debris from my bra and eat them. Not sexy at all.

Before we head onto the life lessons, I must also mention the presence of Sherlyn Chopra. She is the single most relatable character in the movie. When I say character, I mean an objectified individual who is only there to squirm over Rajneesh Duggal in lingerie and pretend to have orgasms while eating his face.

Why she is relatable, you ask? When Sia confronts Rajneesh Duggal on the rape accusations (this was before the whole Sia being the mastermind reveal), he was about to have sex with Sherlyn Chopra. While walking out, after giving Rajneesh her resignation, Sia asks Sherlyn, “Why do you want to sleep with a rapist?” to which Sherlyn replies, “Do you pay my bills?”

Sherlyn Chopra doesn’t judge. Sherlyn Chopra just needs her sexy time. She has no time for preachy people.

Now to the life lessons.

Life lessons I Learnt from ‘Wajah Tum Ho’

1) You are not a true lawyer unless you and at least three other people declare that to the world. Now I don’t know what’s the proper protocol with other occupations but lawyers, take note.

2) Can you even have sexy time without soft focus and a remixed classic song? The answer is a resounding ‘NO’.

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3) It’s never a good sign when you want to murder a kid ( in a movie, relax) just for opening his/her mouth. Sharman Joshi’s movie daughter is the single most annoying movie kid of all the movie kids who have ever existed. I have already said this but I can’t assert this enough.

4) If you catch your father’s murder on CCTV cameras, via an app on your phone, then the most logical thing to do is to scream “STOP IT” repeatedly to no one in particular. Don’t call the neighbours or the police. Because what’s the point?

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5) Speaking of murders on CCTV cameras, install some in your house. You never know when you might need to live stream the murder of one of your family member and then avenge them while having gross sex with people. You know, it’s always good to be prepared.

6) You may think you have a decent taste in men but you will have a few unexplained crushes like the one I have on Rajneesh Duggal. And that’s OK. Definitely not a cause to seek therapy. Or reevaluate your entire life.

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7) Guys like it when you try to swallow their entire face while trying to kiss them. No lies.

8) Nothing good can come of a movie that stars Sharman Joshi sans Aamir Khan.

9) When you have a choice to watch ‘La La Land‘ or ‘Wajah Tum Ho‘, ask yourself which movie does not star Sharman Joshi, and then go for that one.

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You can thank me later for this.